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Yeah it’s pixelated but it’s otherwise the perfect pic for my little website

podcast, blog, thoughts, words —- oh so many words. what’s the point? i don’t even know. enjoy! –josh rolph

THE BLOG

THE PODCAST

My other new business: Rolphburger

"Don't go to the grocery store hungry" and "Don't read this post while hungry" Walking into Smashburger today, I realized it wasn’t Smashburger I wanted, but a fast food chain offering a different kind of burger. Smashburger is good, don’t get me...

Future Essayist: A Tale of Two Coca-Colas

Author’s note: People write in bulleted format in the year 2117 A Tale of Two Coca-Colas   Coming to be in 1975 was to be born in the best of times, it was to be born in the worst of times, it was the age of moon landings, it was the age of...

Guest Post: deadbob

He was on all fours, underneath a desk, with a thoughtful though slightly panicked and perspiratory-ish expression on his glowing face. He had a purpose, but he was running out of time. He turned his head leftward as far as he could out of the...

Two Men on a Plane

Man 1 We boarded the plane. I was the very last to board, as usual, because I really don't like standing in line. I really, really don’t like standing in line. Why’s that? Because I don’t like to stand. I like to sit. Being the first to board a...

What Your Profile Pic Says About You

SKIP THESE OPENING WORDS IF YOU'D LIKE I hung out with a guy in high school whose mom was crazy. He had warned me and I didn't believe him because a lot of kids back then said their moms were crazy. But when this guy said it, there was a certain...

My Super Power, Super Weakness

View post on imgur.com "With great power comes great responsibility." –an uncle in one of the fifty recent Spider Man movies I have a super power. It's nothing close to easy to have a super power, because as you all know there are rules to super...

Republic of Black Friday

On this Black Friday, November 27, 2015, I address you for the first time as your Supreme Leader. Together, we are now citizens of the newly established Republic of Black Friday. It can be said we have achieved the greatest of all victories by...

Thank yous – “The Ending” – Part 3 of many

Before you begin reading  Part 3 – "The Ending" You Should Definitely Sign up HERE to be notified of future posts! Or fine, DON'T BOTHER! It will save me time UNSUBSCRIBING you later!  YEAH, YOU. THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID. Do I need to repeat myself?...

The Man With No Sense of Humor

MEMORANDUM (1st draft) To: All Employees From: Rex Schlonnagan, Senior Executive Administrative Vice Manager’s Assistant RE: The Restrooms Date: November 1, 2015 Dear Fellow Employees, It is with great pleasure that I report to you our third...

The Worst Book Ever

**Listen to the podcast episode where this book is discussed.** I'm really good at starting things. Really good. One of the best, in fact. I debated whether to end that last sentence with "in fact." I debated whether to write that last sentence....

How to Reach Me

WARNING: This post contains a film script, a still image of a text message flying through the air, and my zero tolerance policy for a surging salutation trend used in email. I say this now only because the part about when my phone is stuck under...

All My Life I Wanted to Be A Flight Attendant

All my life I wanted to be a flight attendant. The thrill of flying from one destination to the next, to exotic destinations like Portland and Omaha (I wanted to be a domestic flight attendant) on an airline with an endless supply of assorted...

I Bring Out the Man in Men

I don’t know why, but I bring out the man in men. A very manly Texas rancher once told me "Josh, you're more man than I'll ever be." Calling me "more man" was his play on the word "Mormon." I'd never heard of that before he said it. Being told I...

What is the Funniest Word?

What is the funniest word? It's a tough question to answer, and I needed an answer. I looked far and wide, I traveled the four corners of the earth, I searched everywhere I could possibly search, and I did it with tremendous speed. Instead of...

Thank yous – “The Fight” – Part 2 of many

In part 1 of Thank Yous, a post you should read to get into a thankful mood, we meet perpetual thankers Anne and Josh, two souls who, at least initially, become stuck in a thank you cycle...until Anne introduces her last note that breaks the loop...

The Forgotten Password

I couldn't remember a much-needed password today. They gave me a few tries, which was sweet of them, but then they locked me out of their system. There was no way to get back in. I like to feel in control when I'm online – like I'm the boss. I can...

Thank yous – Part 1 of many

Oct. 13, 2006 Dear Anne, Thank you for your time this morning to discuss the senior manager position with your firm. I believe my experience is a great match for this position, and I look forward to meeting with you if I am selected for the second...

The Josh Podcast podcast Show

After about nine months of getting ready, I am now launching the Josh Podcast podcast Show: The Anti-Podcast podcast on God and Man found at joshpodcast.com. I quietly posted the first two episodes last week. Tonight, I'm publishing the third...

Why I Drove With My Brights On For Nine Years

Don't like to read? Listen here: I used to have a problem. I don't anymore. While driving home tonight, a compact, highly fuel-efficient-looking vehicle pulled in front of me in such a way as to indicate that the driver was either drunk, high,...

The Pizzazz Challenge

  If you're like me, you thought "pizzazz" was spelled "pizzaz" or "pizazz." I was surprised to find that it's spelled "pizzazz." I fell for this word on...

How to Sit

I carry a slim wallet around. The slim wallet has improved my quality of life ever since it was given to me seven or so years ago. I love my slim wallet because the slim factor makes it barely noticeable in my back pocket when I sit for long...

Two Weeks Notice

After wasting so much time on this blog, I’ve been strong-armed to finally phase it out. It wasn't exactly by choice. After my last post on the drought or spleens or something, I got a call to schedule a time to meet in the publisher’s office for...

Drought ‘n Flush

California poised to crack down on water wasters -- $500 fines possible - Contra Costa Times California braces as drought sparks early fire season - Sacramento Bee Report: El Niño unlikely to end California drought - SF Gate Blog 80% of California...

Email Signature Contest and Granny 8 Mortgage

Over the last 16 or 17 years of professional email signature experience, I have found that my email signature has decreased in size over the years, from many lines to just a few. At the beginning of my successful professional career journey,...

John Edwards’ America

I was in America. Awake. Sitting on the couch, as I so often am. When suddenly, I realized I was dreaming of John Edwards' America. Someday, instead of saying, "this isn't your grandfather's America," we might say, "this isn't your John Edwards'...

5 North American Stereotypes That Are Completely Accurate

Live in North America? While you don't think about it much, when you tell your friends from outside of North America where you live, they may not tell you what they are really thinking. And they certainly are thinking. So what does living in North...

My blog is gigantic/intergalactic

I've made it. I did it. Since late last year, I've been blogging almost weekly. I've written dumb posts about things like yogurt and I've written on heavier topics with a dose or two of soul. But nothing compares to a post written in the second...

I Love America

I love America. I mean, I really love America. What I really mean is I really, really love America. I could very easily make this post more complicated. I will try to keep it very simple. I will tell the story of when I first remember falling in...

Podcasting Since ‘Nam

I have been itching to create a podcast for my blog since 'Nam. I haven't tweeted this much since 'Nam — Josh Rolph (@joshrolph) June 29, 2014 The 'Nam joke is funny to me, but yes, I'm also sensitive to the fact that it's also not at all funny....

A Social Media Poem

  Facebook is for the heart LinkedIn is for the hands Twitter is for the mouth (or those who can't shut up)   Instagram is for the eyes Soundcloud is for the ears Foursquare is for the feet (of those who can't sit down)   MySpace is...

Something Really Cool Happened Today

Listen to this post on the Josh Podcast podcast Show. Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes. Something really cool happened today. I can't say what it is exactly. All I can say is you should know that something really cool happened today, and I'm...

Fatherhood is Voluntary

"Who would be a father!"                                                   – Shakespeare, Othello *** I write this with a heaping measure of sensitivity though probably not enough, hoping to avoid offending someone by what I have to say. Whenever...

Riff on June the Fifth

So, I like to rhyme. If I could, I would only communicate via rhyme and song. Yes, if only I could...but if I only could I would be fired, detached from the community, and much more irritating to be around than I already am. But that's only because...

Yoplait or the Highway

I can't remember exactly when the thought came to me, but I posted on Facebook something that although a bit pretentious was one of those things that absolutely had to be shared. I’m not one to brag, while sleeping, but I posted that I had just...

Our Corner of the Eye Problem

Once from the corner of my eye I saw a flash of darkness zip like this – SHWALAKAZAM – back and forth really quickly like a boomerang but all on the left side of my eye. It’s hard to explain. I’m a terrible writer. Why did I start a blog when I...

The Inked and the Pasty — or — People With Tattoos, and Me

I have a theory about people with tattoos that I want to share. It may offend 20-46.6% of my reading audience. I waited for awhile in a long line at IKEA the other day. (When I write “IKEA” I’m not shouting, it’s just that when texting where I was...

Motherhood is Like Calculus

As I wait for my wife to return home from her first solo overnight trip in seven years away from me and our four children, I can’t help but think of what an ungrateful, unknowing, lazy husband and father I am. I’ve watched the kids before and am by...

I got Milli Vanilli! Which pop rocker are you?

Milli Vanilli You are an amazingly good-looking fraud with no discernible talent. You attempt to charm others with well-rehearsed, bigger-than-life dance moves and shiny clothing that would have wowed any television audience over two decades ago....

Don’t ask a woman if she is pregnant and other lessons

"Don’t ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant." (emphasis added) –Everyone says this at least 16 times in their life We all know this adage so well that it almost doesn't need to be said, does it? The reason I begin with this commonly known life lesson...

Parenting Early and Early-Middle Ages

Thank goodness for books explaining kids, especially the popular decades-old book series that follows this straightforward title formula: "Your [age] Year Old: [pithy subtitle]." We have turned to these books from time to time, usually when we are...

Do you own an iPad?

Does this app look useful to you? If so, please add your email in the form below so I can keep you up to date on the release.   [contact-field label='Email' type='email'...

How to Fall Asleep Without Meds and Live Longer

The last time I had a hard time falling asleep at night was while I was in high school, until the Night That Changed Everything. On the Night Before the Night That Changed Everything, I struggled falling asleep. Pretty much every night as a...

Big Announcement

I've been buying domain names since 2003 when I first had an idea for a website. Over a decade later, I should know much more about creating websites than I do, having purchased nearly a hundred domains since and currently hosting over 20 sites....

Hashtags aren’t funny

        Except for this one:   #     *** This is part of the Burst series which includes completely random bursts of thought that may or may not provide even a fraction of value to the...

The Art and Science of Virality

I recently watched one of those videos where the person strings hundreds of still shots of themselves together into a film that lasts only a minute or so. We watch them age, we watch their beard grow, we watch them sing a Queen song, all over a...

Neo-Cathedral

Lots o' thoughts this past first week of 14 + 2000. I've been proud of myself that not once, not twice, not at anytime in the past eight days have I written down "2013," which I mark as a sign of growing maturity, knowledge, wisdom, and possibly...

HappyNew! Year with a Bang Need a Buck

My family and I had a trip visiting (Bangkok and/or Bangladesh), when we attacked some unnamed gunmen. All ourr money,phones and credit cards got stolen in poker bet. Valuable items no longer have, except for this Internet we talk now, yours...

Pants

I'm fascinated by the saggy pants look. So fascinated that I am determined to try it out one day. I'm not as impressed by those who follow the first and third examples in the illustration to my left as I am with those who go all the way, as...

11 Incredibly Easy Ways to Run a Successful Blog

I do not want to write a post every day. I don't. Repeat: I don't. But four posts after launching last Wednesday or Thursday, I think I've become addicted to posting. Each post has built upon the last in an exhilarating rhythm turned anthem of the...

4,619 Facebook Secrets (and why we don’t want to die)

1. If you think that Facebook is a perfect company led by angels, you are right. 2. Facebook is, in fact, run by 4,619 angels. 3. The only non-angel on staff is Mark Zuckerberg, who is actually very human, and 1/16 Cherokee. 3A. This isn't really a...

No more blog part 2 and the calculator watch

Since I quit my blog last week, I've been thinking about what I would post if I had a blog. The answer became obvious two minutes ago: I would write about something that would make me laugh, like posting something called, "No more blog part 2."...

No more blog

After a solid effort blogging I realized that I have run out of things to write about, so with some sadness and a lot of relief, this will be my last post. My only goal for this last post is that I end it on a positive note, like how Damon and...

Genius hold music

Hold music varies from B2B.* It's most often peppy, bright, heavily-Casioed elevator music. Less often, I'm greeted by classical. Senator Feinstein's office has some nice and moving classical when placed on hold. Some businesses stream a radio...

PODCAST GAME: Choose an Adventure adventure – PART 1

Listen to the first podcast that allows you to choose the story as you go along. Unprecedented. Historic. Beautiful. Engaging. Personal. This is like watching an Apple Keynote unveiling a brand new device. This is better than that. This is...the...

Podcast Episode 76: Lose Weight With Two Words

This could also be called the "Two Word Method to Losing Weight." I haven't thought through the marketing of this concept. I'm sure this method could go by a lot of names, but the "Two Word Method" is pretty appealing.

Podcast Episode 74: The Last Show

Tyler Oborn joins me for "The Last Show." Tyler is a great person and after listening, you'll agree. We talk music, politics, and the Today Series - IN EXACTLY THAT ORDER.  

Podcast Episode 72: Are Conservatives Funnier Than Liberals?

In this episode: * Who is funnier: Conservatives or Liberals? What does Google say? * What's funny about the Senate Judiciary Committee? * Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch * Next week's episode: "Gender, Politics Math" * Podcast Musical...

Podcast Episode 65: What is Today?

Next to the question I ask daily, "Am I really balding?" the most frequent question is "What is today?" By that, questioners usually want to know the day of the week or day of the month. I ask, "What is today?"  

Podcast Episode 63: The Boring Podcast Game

In the first segment of the episode, I lay out an elaborate set of rules. In the second segment, I say the word. In the third, the show ends. You win by commenting below with the word, the time the word is said, and really, that's it. It's THE...

Podcast Episode 52: Pizzazz

The podcast with the word "podcast" found four times in its name podcasts about a word with four uncommon consonants in its name. Original post found here.

Episode 50: Time, Body, and Mercy

This episode is based on a blog post I wrote a couple years ago. Not only is it based on the blog post, it is an actual reading of the blog post in its entirety.

Podcast Episode 47: Generation Alpha

The post-Millennial generation is either Generation Z or Generation Alpha -- I think it's Z and no one is really talking about them yet. And then there is the newer cohort born in the last decade or so that is Generation Z or Alpha. Whatever the...

Podcast Episode 45: How to Reach Me – Part 2 of 3

To reach me, do you use Facebook Messenger, Snapchat, or text? Letter, phone or carrier pigeon? Smoke signals, hand signs or clicking in Morse? This is the episode that covers about half of those options and a few additional reaching me...

Podcast Episode 43: The Thank You Note Loop – Part 2 of Many

In Part 1 of this never ending thank you note saga, Anne abruptly ends the thank you note loop with a you're welcome note. The question then becomes, is a you're welcome note really a you're welcome note, or is it a thank you note? Find out that...

Podcast Episode 42: Whispering

I describe why whispering in hotel rooms is the only way to go. Also a touch of inflation theory, microdust, and a Civil War era song sung by my perfect little three year old.

Podcast Episode 40: How to Sit

The show gets a reboot - sort of. "How to Sit" is followed by new "God" and "man" segments. Original post can be found at http://rol.ph/1i.  God segment: wtfpod.com man segment: getseenote.com  

Podcast Episode 36: Yogurt

The entire episode is about yogurt. Yoplait, Greek, lids, cancer, and bibs. The alternate title to this episode is "Lids and Bibs." In written form here.  

Podcast Episode 34: Liiiist!

Do you like articles with lists? And what does the list have to do with death? Listen to this incredibly unfulfilling episode below or on iTunes. The original post can be found here. <iframe style="border: none"...

Podcast Episode 32: How to Look at Your Body

***In this episode I offer a different way to look at the only thing you've really got: your body. This is based on an earlier blog post. You can rate the show on iTunes. Books cited: The newly published Too Dumb to Fail by Matt K. Lewis on the...

Podcast Ep 31: The Thank You Note Loop – Part 1 of many

Below or on iTunes, hear the audio version of the oh-so-popular blog post Thank Yous - Part 1 of many! Woohoo! More to come.* Tracy Sellers, host of the TV show California Bountiful, plays the part of Anne.   *Someday

Podcast Episode 27: Gorgeous Baby, You’re Gorgeous

How "Gorgeous Baby, You're Gorgeous" kept me from podcasting and also kept me from being sad. Also, a clip from an upcoming audio book – that I co-wrote – to be read exclusively on the Josh Podcast podcast Show, the only show you'll find on channel...

Podcast Episode 19: JB, The True Antite

Get rich quick schemes, the Apple Watch, and how this show is becoming all about reviews. JB? Now he's anti. This and much, much, much more or actually not that much on this exciting installment of the Josh Podcast podcast Show, the Anti-Podcast...

Podcast Episode 18: Motherhood is Like Calculus

It's true, Motherhood is like calculus. I wrote about it last year. This year, I thought I would read it on the podcast with a few comments intermingled. The show ends with a brief snapshot of my mother going through the "infinitesimal" details of...

Podcast Episode 17: Catching up and Kind of Boring Episode

I don't know what happened with this episode. It is a filler episode, like most of my episodes. Issues discussed on this episode: * What does it mean to be anti anti-podcast? * More than you need to know on ranking and reviewing the show on iTunes...

Podcast Episode 15: How to Sleep

Find it here: http://joshpodcast.com/episode-15-how-to-fall-asleep/ and remember to rank and review on iTunes.  

Podcast Episode 14: The Unplanned Episode

Listen on iTunes or at joshpodcast.com for more on the shortest episode, the one star reviewer episode, Cub Scouts, Jared Adamson, the Mormon Misfit Magazine, the point of this show, and I touch on the question everyone is asking, “what is a...

Podcast Episode 13: The Shortest Episode In the World

Well. Listen here. This is the perfect episode to listen to when you are in a rush, and I’m talking the kind of rush where you don’t have time to listen to any podcast episode on earth. I imagine people listening to this episode when they want to...

Podcast Episode 12: One Star Reviewer?

Listen to the 12th podcast in the long-running Josh Podcast podcast Show series. One of the reasons I'm doing this show is to entertain you. Another reason is to be entertained by you. I DARE YOU to give me a one star review on iTunes. That would...

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