On this Black Friday, November 27, 2015, I address you for the first time as your Supreme Leader. Together, we are now citizens of the newly established Republic of Black Friday. It can be said we have achieved the greatest of all victories by replacing a good system of government with a better system of government. In the old, there was some freedom. In the new: total freedom.
Indeed, it was not long ago that our forefathers awaited the best sales of the year on the day after Thanksgiving, which became known as Black Friday. We honored the Pilgrims on Thanksgiving with our bellies. We attempted to honor them the following day with our wallets. What began so innocently with a few stores slashing prices, led year after year to stores opening their doors at earlier and earlier times. It soon became common for stores to open the midnight after Thanksgiving. In more recent years, sales began on Thanksgiving Day itself. Other stores started offering Black Friday sales weeks in advance, and online we saw Black Friday sales that turned into Cyber Monday sales and other similarly named deals that would run well into December.
The Pilgrims would be proud.
I stand here in what we just yesterday called the City of Sacramento – now officially renamed the Town of Everyday – the location that spawned the movement to ban the wait until Black Friday. By banning our annual wait for Black Friday, this small band of patriots proclaimed that anxiety would decline, store mob-violence would be curbed, and more wealth would be spread to the poor and middle class, helping to erase many years of prolonged income disparity.
So we campaigned. It was all grassroots. As word spread, the “ABOLISH THE WAIT FOR BLACK FRIDAY” movement took off.
It didn’t take long before other groups sprung up to join the cause. There was the group that called themselves ABOLISH THE WAIT FOR ELECTIONS who were already beyond tired of hearing of the 2016 presidential race. Then there were those tired of seeing Christmas displays as early as October who spearheaded the ABOLISH THE WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS group. That group soon rolled into ABOLISH THE WAIT FOR ALL FEDERAL HOLIDAYS which rolled into the group called ABOLISH THE WAIT FOR HOLIDAYS.
Christians successfully convinced followers that the Lord resting on the 7th day was not related to days on Earth, and therefore thought it a worthy goal to make Sunday any day they wished. Jews joined with Seventh-Day Adventists to allow Saturday to fall on the day most convenient to them, which birthed the ABOLISH THE WAIT FOR THE WEEKEND movement, agnostically named in order to bring atheists on board. Worried about misconceptions, the practice of Muslim Friday prayer led to a three day weekend movement which soon led to the comprehensive compromise ABOLISH THE DAY coalition.
The multitude of Abolish [fill-in-the-blank] campaigns were a natural fit for a culture groomed by the Internet to no longer wait for a trip to the library to gather information, a culture that could travel anywhere worldwide within a day, a culture that could eat or drink whatever they wanted, shop whenever they wanted, and receive any product at their doorstep nearly instantly with Amazon’s one hour delivery service. We became a culture that no longer cashed a paycheck at the bank and didn’t need to watch the nightly news to learn the weather. Music, movies, and TV shows all came at an instant. We voted by mail many weeks before election day. We didn’t wait to know the sex of our babies. We didn’t wait for marriage.
Not long afterward we all joined hand-in-hand as the ABOLISH THE WAIT campaign. Unlike the Tea Party or the Occupy movements, our group didn’t neatly fit within Republican or Democratic party lines. We spanned ideologies, ethnicities, creeds, religions, and sexual orientation. It was a coalition unlike any that had ever existed in the history of the world. Even when content-with-their-obesity obese people learned we were talking about “wait” and not “weight,” we earned their support as well.
Within mere days, our neighborhoods were covered by yard signs, our streets with bumper stickers. It became common to see ABOLISH THE WAIT t-shirts worn by regular people, just like you and me, in public. Unlike most marketers, they were friendly advocates when we found them at our door and when they called us on the phone. As dollars into the movement began to flow with a strong showing from Wall Street and Silicon Valley, we led a sophisticated data-driven operation that included pricey YouTube, radio and TV ads, strategically placed billboards, and an aggressive social media campaign.
The beauty of this campaign, unlike most issue and political campaigns we have had to endure in our lifetimes, was we didn’t have to wait long for victory. Not known for our patience, if we had to wait any longer, the movement would have probably fizzled.
Of course, there was opposition. There always is. But because of the opposition’s ill-conceived name, the Waiters, the masses confused them with restaurant workers, ensuring an easy electoral victory when it came time to vote.
So here we are, no more a country that must hear after “How are you?” at the office the too-oft used, “I’m doing okay for a Monday.” No more wondering whether to say, “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays.” No more getting disgusted with never-ending political campaigns. No more waiting to turn 21 and no more dread before turning 40. No more waiting to worship. No more waiting to honor Mom at Mother’s Day or Dad at Father’s Day or the veterans at Veterans Day or laborers on Labor Day. Absolutely no more waiting to shop until Black Friday. None, gone, done, no more. Just freedom to do all those things whenever you please. And because Black Friday inspired this movement, it is only fitting that we memorialize our nation of no more waiting with the name of the event that started it all: Black Friday.
Black Friday was never a holiday. It was a day after a holiday. It was an event. But it represented our cultural change away from days and towards a new type of freedom – an expansive freedom that will liberate our new nation in ways we haven’t yet imagined.
And so I now announce that this day, November 27, is also the last day – ever. This means that Christians’ last days were, in fact, the last days, and everyone else who supported the ABOLISH THE WAIT movement can now rest easy that there are no longer any more days, neither is there any more time.
And so begins the next phase of humanity’s progression forward, where we do not live by an arbitrary calendar but instead do as we please, when we please. We are no longer slaves to time. We no longer have to wait.
Dear Citizens, I now ask you: if you could just give the appointed leadership of our Republic some ti–, or, let’s call it an allowance – an allowance that may last for years in our former measurement of time – to figure out how this will all work, that would be great.
Supreme Leader of the Republic of Black Friday