Something really cool happened today. I can’t say what it is exactly. All I can say is you should know that something really cool happened today, and I’m announcing this here on facebook, to everyone I’ve ever known. The main reason I’m saying I can’t say what it is is I’ve desperately wanted to write an obscure post since obscure posts were invented circa 2008. I’ve also wanted to write “is is” in a sentence since 2010 but I honestly either forgot I wanted to do that or it hasn’t worked out/haven’t had a chance. One of those things. Unlike many millions who have obscurely posted since the very first obscure post by someone with a melodramatic personality, I just haven’t had the opportunity yet. It being my first time jumping into the world of obscure posting, I made sure to carefully choose each word in “something really cool happened today.” I didn’t want to say, “something amazing happened today” or “something extraordinary happened today” because I don’t want to be overly dramatic like my forebears about the really cool thing that happened. Today, the opportunity fell on my lap. If you had told me when I woke up this morning that I would have the opportunity to obscurely post, I would have told you you were crazy. (True confession (is there any other kind): I’ve wanted to write “you you” in a sentence so badly for almost forever.) So I tell you friends, relatives, semi-friends, acquaintances, semi-acquaintances, former relatives who because of divorce are no longer in my family, oh, and the we-never-met-but-somehow-are-facebook-friends friends — the point of this post is for you to know that something really cool happened. Today. To me. And really, that’s all I can say. I would tell you what happened, but I’ve made the tough decision that I can’t say. Not that it’s that big a deal, because it may not be anything. But know that the something that happened was cool. Really cool. Something really cool. And it happened today. It really happened. I will not under any circumstances tell you what happened. To make myself clear, no matter how much you plead, beg, threaten, or cry, I refuse to tell you the really cool thing that really happened. I’m glad I’m making myself clear in an obscure post. Clear/obscure is a good thing. In the process of making myself clear, however, I suddenly feel like I should apologize for not telling you as much as I already haven’t. So I’ll just come out and say it: I’m so sorry. My clear obscurity has nothing to do with not trusting you with the information I am intentionally hiding from you.
The main reason I can’t tell you what cool thing happened is because I don’t want comments saying, “what is it?” Or, “Josh, will you leave us hanging?” Or, “is it X?” (Where X equals something that has nothing to do with the cool thing and simply ends up detracting from the cool thing.)
(On second thought, your guess about X could actually be the right thing which would be really weird, I mean what are the chances of you guessing what it is? Are you stalking me? Then I would someday have to admit that the person who guessed correctly was right about X. I couldn’t lie and say they were wrong.) Or I could get the comment that says something like, “thinking of you,” or, “you’re in my prayers,” which means that you skimmed my post so quickly that you didn’t read the words “really cool” and thought my post said, “something happened today,” so you assume I don’t want to go into detail because it is a private matter and when people don’t go into detail on private matters it is usually because something bad has happened. When bad things happen your instinct is to help which is why one might say, “you’re in my prayers.” But it is really just laziness when someone doesn’t fully read your posts. The “you’re in my prayers” comment would also attract my more bold friends who want to protect me. They might respond by saying, “didn’t you read his post, idiot? He said something cool happened.” Then my atheist friends might start arguing with the prayer commenter about the uselessness of prayer and their disbelief in God, creating a post thread of hundreds of comments with tweet-length arguments that get everyone worked up on both sides of the issue. What I’m saying by saying “something really cool happened today” is this is a private matter of the positive kind that you don’t need to pray for. That is why I’m not sharing exactly or even generally what it is that happened. And even though it isn’t something horrible and there’s no need to pray for me, I won’t stop you if you feel so inclined. Maybe I’ve written so much already on this that you’re worried about me and will pray for me anyway. Maybe not. I can’t control the thoughts you have about me, however much I wish I could. It is a free country. I fully respect your right to feel however you want to feel after reading this post. Your feelings are absolutely yours. All I want you to know, and you can choose your reaction to what I say for better or worse, is that something really cool happened today. That is all. I’ve given you all the information I wish for you to know. I will not give you any more information than that, at least the way I see it now. It could very well be that next year I decide to do a follow up to tell you either a little more information than I provided today or all the information — every last detail of it. The problem is most people in this setting don’t like the details, they just want short little snippets of information or general summaries. If they want more detail, which they rarely do, they will ask for more detail. If I were to provide more information at a future date, like, let’s say next year at this time, I don’t know exactly how I would handle it. Would I say, “remember the time I posted saying that something really cool happened? Well, now I can say what it was.” Then I would explain what happened with a general summary that everyone would read (no more than two brief sentences…never run past the point that they have to click “See More” to see more). I wonder what you would think if I posted something like that next year.
What if you didn’t care? What if you skipped over it because you were still bothered by the fact that I didn’t tell you what the cool thing was when it happened? Worse yet, what if you didn’t think it was cool? What if you thought it was the opposite of cool? What IS the opposite of cool? Oh! This is bad. And here I said it was “really cool” forgetting that everyone’s version of cool is relative. What is “really cool” for me may only be “cool” for you. So next year if I were to reveal what it is that was really cool you may downgrade my “really cool” to your “cool” and think I’m out of touch because I don’t know “cool.” Worse yet, what if my “really cool” is your “super cool?” What if our cools are completely out of balance? That would be so not cool. What if you read it, thinking it’s actually “super cool,” and get really jealous, thinking I’m better than you? What if you spiral into a depression all because I am so much more amazing than you could ever be? Oh no. No, no, no, no. What have I done? I thought an obscure post would be intriguing and fun. Now I profoundly regret that I ever dragged you through this. I regret it because I can never admit publicly here on facebook what the really cool thing is that happened today. I’m horribly embarrassed that I made such a big deal out of what happened to me today when it probably isn’t that big a deal at all. It really probably isn’t. I’ve realized that for my own self-esteem, and possibly yours, I’m never going to write an obscure post again.