MEMORANDUM (1st draft)
To: All Employees
From: Rex Schlonnagan, Senior Executive Administrative Vice Manager’s Assistant
RE: The Restrooms
Date: November 1, 2015
Dear Fellow Employees,
It is with great pleasure that I report to you our third consecutive week of incredibly high scores for cleanliness in our two company restrooms. For the ladies’ room, we’ve scored a perfect 100%. I am so proud of you all. Really. So proud. The men’s restroom isn’t far behind with an all time high score of 88%! Great job! Great, great job! These are our highest Cleanliness Hygiene In the Bathroom (CHIB) marks since I started working here in 2012 Q2, and is possibly the greatest accomplishment ever in my 22 year assistant management career.
As I announced in our quarterly staff meeting two short months ago, I made the CHIB score priority issue number two. Number one needs no reminder: customer eye contact will always be most important, and I will address a new aspect of customer eye contact in a future memo.
You all laughed after I made CHIB priority “number two,” but I promise, it wasn’t meant to be a joke, though I guess it’s funny if you have a sense of humor, which I don’t at all.
I’m always wondering if what I say will make you guys laugh in front of me or behind my back. As I’ve discussed with you on many occasions, I devoured that book about how to be funny, even if you’re not but it didn’t teach me anything. When I recounted to all of you how I finished the last word of the book without a laugh, and then turned to the back flap thinking I would find something funny, most of you chuckled, but I didn’t get the joke. I find that some of you chuckle when I say things that weren’t meant to draw a chuckle. It can get a little frustrating when the chuckle is on me.
The book on how to be funny might as well be written in another language. Perhaps Stuart can lead a segment at our next meeting about how to make people laugh. He always seems to make you all laugh a lot. With him, it’s not the regular laughter, it’s the so-called “LOL” variety of laughter, though I don’t get any of his jokes. None of them.
For awhile, I thought people found Stuart humorous only when he raised his voice and did the thing with his eyebrows at the same time. But then there was the time he was whispering with no noticeable eyebrow movement and he got some significant laughs. Once I couldn’t fall asleep as my mind went over each of Stuart’s methods, which made me wonder whether the content is the funny part. It just makes no sense to me and I find myself at home or in the grocery store thinking about what he said and wondering why it was funny. I’ve taken notes and will even fully disclose that I have secretly recorded Stuart while he is talking (#sorrynotsorry) to see if I’ll capture something funny that I can study later at home. After a few attempts memorizing what he said and trying out some lines at the grocery store or post office, I’ve only received perplexed looks. I just binge-watched a popular comedy series and have to admit that I didn’t laugh once! Not even one time! This is apparently the funniest show on TV. I watched a ton of it which, I’ll now admit, is why I called out “sick” a few days in July.
Some might see my lack of a sense of humor (on both the giving and receiving ends) as strange, but I see my lack of humor as a gift from God and perhaps the reason I not only work for this very serious company but why I’m also in this industry, because I hear it’s not really a funny industry to be in, like most industries are, especially the comedy industry. If I never become funny it’s okay. I will move on to learning people skills. But let’s get back to bathroom cleanliness.
As you are aware, bathroom cleanliness is only a small part of what we do here at WoopDeeDoo. Our number one goal is to serve our customers promptly, safely, and with our trademark WoopDeeDoo wide-open smile with head tilt. Anything less than that high standard is completely unacceptable. This quote from our Senior Manager comes to mind: “With great responsibility and accountability comes great stewardship.” Think long and hard about those words and I promise: I will too.
So where, you might ask, does a high CHIB score fall into the mix of our Three S’s: SPEEDINESS, SAFETINESS, and the WoopDeeDoo SMILE? I would argue they are all interchangeable; one does not go without the other. A high CHIB score is a solid statistical representation of how well we are speedily serving customers the juiciest DOOBLE WOOPERBUUGERS, safely upselling our DOODEEDOONUTS for DEESERT (with the memorable jingle “they make you say DOODEE!”) And don’t forget our DEElicious fries, recently changed to WOOPTATOS from POOTATOS after the infamous “smear” campaign. If we could, let’s stop calling them POOTATOS in the kitchen area. It’s tough to change but I’m confident we can do it. And gosh, we perform an incredible service for thousands in our community and send them off with our signature smile. If we can do so many of these things well, PLUS have the cleanest bathrooms in town, WoopDeeDoo will be the ire of every other fast food establishment in town.
Let’s address the difference between the perfect female restroom score and the 88% male score. As we’ve discussed in the past, the 12% deduction off our male score is from the uncleanliness on the floor beneath the urinal. You’ll notice that our score improved by three percentage points since I installed a splash guard. We will continue to monitor the situation closely, but not too closely. Since an 88% score is higher than any WoopDeeDoo bathrooms within Reegion 2, I think we are in a good position company-wide to hold title well into the future. Should the splashing drop us to “Number Two,” I will solicit your opinion on how to make the necessary improvements to get us closer to 100%.
In closing, I wish to share with you again a hearty congratulations on our many successes. Please be on red alert for my next memorandum on customer eye contact. It has to do with our CHIB score. But how, you ask, does bathroom cleanliness relate to customer eye contact? Oh, just wait. Just you wait. I have created a practice we may have to trademark before implementing because it will distinguish us from our biggest competitors. If you haven’t yet invested in our stock, now would be the time to do so.